the last several jams, i have ended-up dropping-out for one reason or another... typically, it has been the theme, or the inability of me and my friend josh to agree on an idea we like. some would say to ignore the theme, but the problem is that the theme is a voting category you can NOT opt-out on. and while you should mostly just do jams for fun and for practice, these are a good way to get an idea out there, to gauge interest in a full commercial [or at least COMPLETE] game. and honestly, that is very important, too... that's the sad reality of this money-driven society we live in.

but this time, it was not the theme that stopped me. for the last few years, i have been stuck on a family shared computer. i get a lot of shit for this from my mom. all the usual things one would expect "oh, you're addicted to the computer" , "it's not YOUR computer" , "where are all these games you talked about making?" , "all you do it sit and play games on the computer" , etc...

so, the addiction argument comes from someone who herself spends almost all day checking facebook on her phone. it comes from someone who bases solitaire sessions on games WON. [i by contrast base game sessions on specific lengths of time or levels/matches PLAYED. solitaire for me is currently 3 rounds pyramid and 1 round spider]

i did not claim to own the computer, and i generally avoid making any changes that would be undesirable. i play games, i watch videos, i download shit, sure. but i am careful, and i typically do not mess with system settings or install very many programs. i also don't have an issue with sharing. she, however has been increasingly finding EXCUSES to have a reason to use the computer. it's to the point where it is disrupting any remaining ability i would have [since we run oh SO many very NON-essential errands and do volunteer work in place of things at home that NEED to be done] to work on gamedev/programming/hacking shit. she has said herself that when my grandfather was doing HIS computer stuff for the military that he was NOT to be disturbed. how she does not understand that this very much applies to ME is just... SMH! i even took-on the job as secretary of our lions club partly to relieve some of her burdens, partly to do things much more efficient and organized than her, and partly to strip her of the 'need' to constantly use the computer. well, 2020 and some of her own meddling has pretty well taken care of THAT.

since i am so often away from home, since i am so often FORCED to wake-up before i am READY to, since i am almost constantly stressed for any number of reasons [many being the situation at home], i am too tired and too burned-out to put-in the time it takes to code. since literally ANY time i open a code editor, try to research a topic, or even try to RELAX... I AM INTERRUPTED, OR SHE COMES-UP WITH SOME THING TO DO ON THE COMPUTER, i reach the point of not bothering. i don't even make plans that i'll do ANYTHING. and this goes on for weeks and months. and eventually, once things start to calm-down, once i decide "alright, i will work on this some more", BAM! something happens, usually something she brought on.

quite a lot of what i do, she has no idea. not a clue. i have been called-out for watching youtube videos after solid DAYS of doing my dev stuff. every day, i do some combination of playing games, researching, watching funny videos, looking at and/or re-posting memes, etc... sure, i do a lot of gaming, but i do one hell of a lot more if ever she payed attention, if ever she LISTENED when i had things to share/say. but she doesn't. and whenever i make an argument, i am automatically 100% wrong, even if what i am saying comes from people who definitively know their shit and can prove it.

now, besides issues with the theme, my participation in ludum dare has been impacted by IRL things, many of which are related to and/or caused by my mother. my second ludum dare was impacted by taking the car to get serviced, which led to me manually debugging a script on paper, just to recover some of the crucial dev time i otherwise would have lost. anyways, the LAST time i complained about how my time with gamejams is constantly interrupted, the excuse "i forgot" / "you didn't tell me" came up. so THIS time, i reminded her in advance, as i added to her phone calendar the full 72 hour time block needed for ludum dare. the first day/night was alright. i was not quite where i wanted to be with my engine, so much of that time was spent to implement ESSENTIAL features to at least make things passable... all the while i was brainstorming ideas, and the last 2 or so hours i worked on the jam were spent on sketching/writing those ideas down. i then played my usual late night games and called it a night. first objective on saturday was to start getting A GAME made.

so, saturday morning arrives, and the first thing my mom did is come-in, wake me BEFORE i was actually READY, and proceed to spend 4 HOURS typing at least two word documents related to one of the charity events we help organize. i do not know exactly what was in those letters, but it's probably the usual 10% actual information and 90% bullshitting. seriously, she generally cannot type or forward an email without at least a long paragraph of text, most of it formalities they're on the computer, so i can read them. i do know they were sent to individuals not known for responding fast [if ever]. anyways, that just killed my motivation. i could not recover it, not even force myself, that willpower is focused on other things on account of how STRESSED AND PISSED i am nearly every day. i tried cooling-off watching a playthrough of Cadence of Hyrule until dinner. and i just...couldn't do it... couldn't recover on sunday, either. [oh, and before people even suggest "but, it's a charity event, those letters were important". i know for absolute FACT they did not have such insanely high priority, as the event takes place in NOVEMBER and most planning/preparing gets done last minute, anyways... it's inefficient/frustrating, but it's unlikely to change... at the least, she could have waited to type + send those, and she CHOSE to do it right in the second day of the jam because obviously her intent was to disrupt MY plans/work like she always is doing]

i am GREATLY displeased, and once again have the regret "oh, i dropped-out of another game jam", the doubt "am i even a game developer? a programmer? i keep dropping or indefinitely stalling projects", the sense of absolute BETRAYAL "i told her, i notified her, and she CHOSE to find something that interfered with my plans", the shame/embarrassment of even having to say "i quit, again..." or explain why... i was READY this time. i made the commitment, i found an idea i liked for the theme. yet all this again doesn't matter. as i foolishly hoped/assumed i would not be interrupted again. oh, and shall i add on the tuesday or wednesday following the dare "i didn't impede on your plans the last few days". UH, YES, YOU DID. DID THE FOUR FREAKING HOURS and FORCING ME TO WAKE-UP TOO DAMN EARLY SLIP YOUR MIND?!

i've so had it. and next jam, i'm being much more aggressive/assertive. i'm blocking-out the entire month except for essential errands and family birthdays. auxiliary errands either get batched-together, or she does them alone or not at all. i will not be volunteered to help with church or charity without my CONSENT.

fact is, even if my schedule constantly suffering to this weren't an issue, she needs to STOP. my dad needs care whether she wants to admit/accept that or not, the housework is not getting done because we're not home and/or i am too tired to do it. her own health is definitely not great, i know at least her knees are in terrible shape and she should not be driving or doing other things that require putting extra strain on them. she doesn't seem to be all together mentally, perhaps because she is both by necessity and by choice trying to keep track of SEVERAL things. [the volunteer work? it's not JUST her doing work, it's her controlling and making decisions about that work.] who knows what her heart situation is, but it can't be good. she's even suggested blood pressure might be at a dangerous level. [supposedly measured it since my dad needs to check his daily.] i'd believe that. all my friends, multiple family members, random strangers all agree. she 1. needs to stop screwing with MY life. 2. for her sake, for my dad's sake, needs to STOP doing all these extra things that require leaving the house FREQUENTLY, that require physical and mental commitment. and if events fall-through or at least, encounter MAJOR hiccups? so be it. these are run by committees consisting of probably 10 at least people on average. it should not be the job of only 2-3 that the work gets done. she always preached to me when i was growing-up about taking care of your own problems, complained about enablers/enabling. she needs to quit enabling. they sink or swim, and it's not her fault, not mine. if they come and pin the blame on her, let them try, i'll throw it right back in their face. doubly so if they blame me. i already have been criticized as i've been observed sleeping/napping when i shouldn't [sleep deprivation and boredom/dejection are GREAT, huh?], and ofc how many times i have NOT delivered the lions club minutes on time, if at all. and i'm very close to unloading all of THAT, too.

i do not ask for advice on this. heard it all. some even i thought of myself. just stating how i feel... she is the problem, she HAS the problem. and she needs to admit it. she needs to seek help or help herself. she needs to listen to me and work WITH me. she chooses to work AGAINST me and seemingly with the intent of ruining my life/goals. she chooses to complain about her issues and yet do NOTHING about them. also chooses to pass those issues on to me. when i ask small a question, i get a lecture/biography. she complains about others not pulling their weight and yet bails them out time and time again. she complains how others exclude her or won't participate in her conversations/interests, yet IMPOSES her ideas/thoughts when they do. when she asks a question, your answer must never deviate from her expectations/beliefs. she hates indecision, as well. [for many reasons, i regularly give silence or "i don't know". tho i also often do [or say "yes"/"i guess"] so when i have made up my mind that the answer is "NO", because she really hates that and won't hesitate to gult-trip me for say, refusing to come on some errand run she decided needs to be made that day] i just ask that people listen. don't want advice, don't want arguments. i've even tried some things, like talking to her, calmly explaining things. this doesn't work. try it yourself, she'll have a counter-argument, often the one thing you weren't actually prepared for, and that's the end. you might realize later the counter to that, or adjust your viewpoint a bit after considering it. but never will your argument get to her. you can lay-out a scenario, even, that perfectly demonstrates the issue. i did this about copyright once. now THIS is one of the times where after THAT, i broke-down enough to cry, not in front of her or in public, but silently, alone. how someone can be ok with an IDEA being OWNED for literal ETERNITY is beyond me. especially someone who so casually re-posts facebook memes, which could not exist if there wasn't some amount of fair use [which media empires like disney and UMG really don't like] protecting it. not to mention complaining about entitlement benefits, copyright in its current form is the ULTIMATE entitlement. especially if you're a major studio. it also apparently carries no real penalty for using it FRAUDULENTLY, as UMG + youtube have sufficiently demonstrated with one party ILLEGALLY claiming videos and the other ILLEGALLY allowing it to happen. and then there's the remaster collaboration literally NO ONE asked them to do, suggesting total collusion at this point. ofc, my original argument was about how owning an idea, especially for eternity is wrong, and that eventually, even if you wrote SOME contract, the person or persons to inherit those rights will do wrong by you, even ruin your legacy or taint/exploit the idea. the remastering of music videos hadn't even been announced then. this is just ONE example of the many arguments i've had with her. they all end the same. she slips me up, and/or i get mad. she appears to win, or think she has won once i no longer can counter. also common is me just going silent either because i can't at the time counter her counter, or because i know it's pointless, it relies on previous arguments/points she refuses to so much as CONSIDER.

aaanyways, i guess i'll try again in october... sorry to disappoint, again... i know at least a few people would've liked to see what i was working on. i know at least a few people might have enjoyed discovering/playing it. and once again, the only glimmer of hope i could possibly offer is attempting to try this idea later, without the pressure and time limits of a game jam. but also, i kinda don't want to. i guess it feels less significant to me finishing + releasing a jam game post-jam... i have one i was doing for flash forward, as well... [that one has actual code/architecture and asset prep put in, at least...] i know finally participating in a jam and having SOMETHING to show for it would've been good for me. but, there's always next time, i guess... something i continue to tell myself time and time again. there's even a game archival/ripping project i that completely dropped the ball... don't think i'll forget that. i could not have done the actual work, but i could've at least provided the tools and knowledge for the other person to do it.